


What We Did After the War (become spies and fuck around, mostly)

by maypop



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-04
Updated: 2012-05-04
Packaged: 2017-11-04 19:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/397488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maypop/pseuds/maypop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Take me back to our hotel room and ravish me until I cannot tell Mordecai from Haman, dearest heart, when our charade is inevitably seen through I wish to die confused by troll genitalia." For the Female Character Trope Fest, "pretending to be in a relationship." A romance in text messages.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Did After the War (become spies and fuck around, mostly)

ROSE: I see you have brought me a dead basil plant. My, I hesitate to call them superiors, though having the ability to destroy us makes inf- disingenuous, my “bosses” are completely convinced by this romantic gesture. I am so glad you were chosen for this mission.  
TEREZI: 1 SM3LL3D 1T 4ND THOUGHT OF YOU  
ROSE: My loins are all aquiver. Take me back to our hotel room and ravish me until I cannot tell Mordecai from Haman, dearest heart, when our charade is inevitably seen through I wish to die confused by troll genitalia.   
TEREZI: 1TS A PR3TTY STR41GHTFORW4RD M3CH4N1SM ONC3 YOU G3T P4ST TH3 CH4ST1T33TH  
TEREZI: YOUR D1SR3SP3CT FOR YOUR M4T3SPR1TS OPPR3SS3D CULTUR3 1S WH4T 1S T34R1NG TH1S F4M1LY 4P4RT  
ROSE: One day married and you're already going to suggest we need some violent portmanteau of counseling?  
TEREZI: TH3R34P1NG  
ROSE: Oh, dear. Not your finest hour, as a species.  
TEREZI: TH3 W4Y YOU PR3T3ND TO NOT B3 1MPR3SS3D SM3LLS 3X4CTLY L1KE MY V3RY THOUGHTFUL G1FT!  
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y DONT W4T3R 1T 1T 3XPLOD3S

 

ROSE: Next time, if you have questions, please clear them with me first, rather than inventing human courtship rituals out of the aether of apparent insanity and Dave’s “ironic” media collection.  
ROSE: The Harlequin does not occupy the same cultural position on Earth as he did on Alternia.  
ROSE: In order to communicate with you in your own language, I have committed portmanteau:  
ROSE: Please think of them as Harlotquins, designed to titillate, not to inform.  
TEREZI: RUD3  
TEREZI: TH3 H4RL3QU1N W4S 4 V3RY 4ROUS1NG F1GUR3, L1CQUOR1C3 L1PS!  
ROSE: No.   
TEREZI: F4VOR1T3 BL4CKB3RRY?  
ROSE: No.  
TEREZI: D4RL1NG D4Y T3RROR  
ROSE: No.  
TEREZI: HOT L3GS  
ROSE: Accurate, but no. We're getting off track. We met in a bar. You did not "play the romance clarinet" on my porch for three nights straight until I let you into my converted warehouse, nor did I heal your inner pain, the hymen is not located inside the body, and I cannot imagine a universe--and I am, by this point, a universe connoisseuse--wherein I would beg you to be gentle with me.  
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 DON3 4N 1NFORM4L POLL OF H34DQU4RT3RS 4ND 1T 1S W1D3LY AGR33D TH4T W3 C4N 4ND DO

 

TEREZI: WOW  
ROSE: I warned you.  
TEREZI: N3V3RTH3L3SS  
ROSE: A concrete demonstration of our affections was necessary. They had become suspicious. I am sorry.  
TEREZI: DO YOU DO HUM4N YOG4  
ROSE: I am devastated by the implication that your people simply practice “Troll Yoga”, and not...  
ROSE: The point is, if you are distressed, take comfort in knowing I am equally unsettled.  
TEREZI: H4H4H4 YOU C4NT TH1NK OF 4 PUN C4N YOU  
ROSE: Agent Pyrope, this is ridiculous.  
TEREZI: 1S 1T 4S R1D1CULOUS 4S ST4GING YOUR B1KR4MP4G3 ON MY D3F3NS3L3SS BODY 1N TH3 ON3 ROOM W1TH NO C4M3R4S, 4G3NT HOT L3GS  
TEREZI: WH1L3 YOU COM3 UP W1TH 4N 3XPL4N4T1ON 1 H4V3 4LSO B33N WOND3R1NG WHY YOUR T3XTS DONT H4V3 CH4R4CT3R L1M1TS  
TEREZI: DO YOU P4Y 3XTR4  
ROSE: ...Are you saying we need to do that again? There was not a single camera?  
TEREZI: TH3R3 1S 4 MOR3 1MPORT4NT QU3ST1ON H4NG1NG  
ROSE: You like hanging, future ex-wife.  
TEREZI: YOU R3M3MB3R3D! 4NYW4Y TH1S 1S FUN BUT L1V3S D3P3ND ON YOUR 4B1L1TY TO 3NCOR3 SO DR1NK SOM3 W4T3R  


 

TEREZI: WH4T W4S TH4T  
TEREZI: WH4T W4S TH4T OUTF1T  
TEREZI: DO YOU JUST K33P TH4T W1TH YOU 4LL TH3 T1M3  
TEREZI: 1 4M C4LL1NG TH3 TH3R34P3R  
ROSE: It was an encore. A good artist always keeps something in reserve, for when the audience begs her to come back. Was I convincing, sweet troll princess?  
TEREZI: 1S TH1S 4 CH4LL3NG3  
ROSE: I don’t know what you mean. This is me doing my job to the best of my ability, without withholding information or attempting to sabotage it for my own cheap novel inspired “lulz.”  
TEREZI: SO Y3S  
TEREZI: 4G3NT HOT L3GS 1 H4V3 NOT Y3T B3GUN TO LUL  
TEREZI: 1T 1S T1M3 YOU L34RN TH3Y GR3W B1TT3R W33DS ON 4LT3RN14!

 

DAVE: rose what happened to my tv sollux said talk to you  
DAVE: rose i was watching antiques roadshow  
DAVE: rose  
DAVE: rose  
DAVE: rose i am missing out on some crucial bakelite shepherdesses right now  
DAVE: i am feeling distinctly unshepherded  
DAVE: rose  
DAVE: rose theyre probably doing the lopsided vase im not sure but lopsided vase might be the hill i die on  
ROSE: I warned you about leaving the BBC on around the trolls, Dave. I told you, bro.

 

TEREZI: STOP M4K1NG 4 F4C3 4T TH3 T4RG3T  
ROSE: I am making a face because I am overcome with all the amazing facts I learned from the package delivery troll last night. Apparently, mothers of troll-human crosses, which apparently exist, because the definition of species is no longer “the ability to breed and bear viable young”, and minute changes to human chromosomes no longer lead to developmental disorders or spontaneous abortion, must sleep in sopor. Lest the wriggler’s fragile brain cook in its “thinkpan.”  
TEREZI: *W1GGL3R  
TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY WH4T H4PP3N3D TO YOUR CH4R4CT3R L1M1TS  
ROSE: Tell me, have you considered names for this spawn of ours? I considered many, during the four shampooings necessary to remove the slime from my hair.  
TEREZI: 4DD 4 C4PFUL OF 4C3TON3 TO YOUR SH4MPOO 1T WOULD SC4R3 MUF4S4 1F H1S MOTH3RGRUB W4SH3D H3R SK1N OFF  
ROSE: I’m naming it “Vriska.”

 

TEREZI: YOUR F4ULT  
TEREZI: YOU M3SS W1TH TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4T3RS YOU P4Y TH3 F1N3S  
ROSE: I was supposed to know that I couldn’t wear rose oil and drink ouzo while they were cleaning with bleach? Clearly I should have offended our gracious hosts by denying their offers of hospitality, it is not a catastrophic faux pas in their culture at all.  
TEREZI: BLUH BLUH FOR31GN3RS 4R3 TOO STUP1D TO UND3RST4ND CULTUR4L D1FF3R3NC3S BLUH  
TEREZI: TH3Y DONT 3XP3CT M3 TO F1T 1N S33ML3SSLY  
ROSE: Nor do other trolls.  
TEREZI: 4NYW4Y 1 M4Y H4V3 1NVOLUNT4R1LY 3XP3LL3D P4RT14LLY D1G3ST3D HON3Y P1ST4CH1O L4Y3R P4STRY BUT 1TS ON YOUR SHO3S SO 1 TH1NK 1 D3S3RV3 4 PO1NT  
ROSE: I am gracious in victory; award yourself half a point. And then take it away, for reducing espionage to a flarp game.  
TEREZI: MY D1STR4CT1ON 3N4BL3D SOLLUX TO “C4S3 TH3 JO1NT” UNSUP3RV1S3D  
TEREZI: 1 DO NOT FORG3T MY DUTY  
ROSE: Apologies. And may I ask what you would have done otherwise?  
TEREZI: W3LL TH3 T4BL3 S33M3D STURDY 4ND ROS3 O1L 1S ONLY MOD3R4T3LY T3RR1BLE 

 

[ tz has sent you a file! ]  
SOLLUX: what are you 2 doing out there and why ii2 the update on the guard patrol2 iinter2per2ed iin eiight hour2 of iincrediibly 2low 2treamiing viideo of nyancat  
TEREZI: OOPS  
TEREZI: SORRY M1SF1R3  
[ tz has sent you a file!]  
TEREZI: TH1S ONE 1S YOURS FORW4RD TH4T ON3 TO ROS3  
SOLLUX: ii dont get a 2oundtrack?  
TEREZI: YOUR L3GS 4R3 R3GR3TT4BLY UN HOT  
SOLLUX: rude and fal2e

 

ROSE: It’s not just a love letter, darling cabbage, it’s art.  
ROSE: I guess it’s just not *for* you.  
TEREZI: YOU R3F3RR3D TO MY BULG3 4S TH3 SWORD OF TROLL D4R1US TH3 L4WG1V3R  
TEREZI: 4ND YOU D1D 1T BY SCR1BBL1NG 1N ON3 OF MY BOOKS!  
ROSE: Blackout poetry is the perfect medium for this age. Having consumed beyond our means, we must learn to reuse the old, and hopefully still find some beauty and eloquence in it. The earth is our Moria, but we cannot run from our balrog; may as well install some lights.  
ROSE: Stop fussing, troll books are made to be washable of sticky fluids anyway.

 

TEREZI: H4D YOU FORGOTT3N MY T1TL3  
ROSE: Say rather by this stage I had replaced it with invective. Still, I suppose you are to be congratulated. I hope you enjoyed that little caper. Did you fly in with that martini glass, or get some poor subordinate to take you out for walkies?  
TEREZI: 1T 1S NOT TH3 TROLL W4Y TO F1GHT W1THOUT D3STROY1NG  
TEREZI: 4 W1N MUST B3 CONCLUS1V3 OR YOU R1SK B31NG D3VOUR3D 1N YOUR TURN  
ROSE: The creatures that feed on life in the void between worlds have made my limbs as theirs, have spoken through my mouth words that cracked the skies open, have reached for me through dream bubbles where the white-eyed dead asked again and again for peace and vengeance.  
ROSE: Terezi Pyrope does not have the power to rattle me.  
TEREZI: YOUR3 LYING  
TEREZI: S3LF CONTROL W4S 4 LOWBLOODS V1C3 TH4T SPOK3 OF 4 M4YFLY L1F3, 4 W34K W1LL, 4N 4CC3PT4NC3 OF POW3RL3SSN3SS  
TEREZI: 4ND TOO TH3R3 1S TH3 MOM3NTUM  
ROSE: I was sleeping before you decided to soliloquy, you know.  
TEREZI: B3 QU13T 1 4M M4K1NG 4 PO1NT  
TEREZI: AG3NT HOT L3GS  
TEREZI: ROS3  
TEREZI: B3FOR3 TH1S M1SS1ON 1 H4D FORGOTT3N TH3 F33L1NG TH4T TO STOP F1GHT1NG W4S TO B3 D3VOUR3D WHOL3  
ROSE: And attacking the tiresome set of mother issues all us human females, even without mobius double reacharound world saver mère and world destroyer fille, seem to come standard equipped with, was your pitiful attempt to... somehow save yourself?  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 B4NDY1NG 4ROUND 4 WORD TH4T M34NS MOR3 TO YOUR FUTUR3 3X W1F3 TH4N TO YOU!  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S WHY X3NO M4RR14G3S F41L  
TEREZI: COMMUN1C4T1ON  
ROSE: I’m not bandying anything.  
TEREZI: 4S 1F YOUR GU1LT OV3R PR3ORD41N3D ROL3S OV3RL4PP1NG G3N3T1C S1M1L4R1T13S 1S NOT JUST 4S P4TH3T1C 4S 4PPRO4CH1NG TH3 R3D THROUGH TH3  
TEREZI: WH4T  
ROSE: I speak very precisely, Agent Pyrope. I just wish you’d said something before I put the basil plant under the automated sprinklers outside your window.  
ROSE: If you get this message, you’re welcome to come to my room, instead. It’s the one with the sugar violets and funfetti icing scarf on the doorknob.  


 

[ tz has sent you a file! ]  
DAVE: okay i dont know whats wrong with you but i am not opening a file called S4DKN1GHTOFT1M3W1TH4N3R3CT1ON.gif  
DAVE: i am deleting it and your number beep beep are you sure hell yes im sure dont sass me nokia this is why you people lose at polo  
DAVE: go back to doing spy shit like groping my sister  
TEREZI: OK4Y  
DAVE: why is it downloading  
DAVE: terezi why is it downloading  
TEREZI: 1 D1D SPY SH1T   
DAVE: oh my god  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU W3T D4V3  
DAVE: i had no idea your species even had nipples why would you have nipples youre like insects

 

[ rose has sent you a file! ]  
DAVE: no no no not you too  
DAVE: i dont care im not opening that  
ROSE: That’s alright, Dave. My association with the blind has taught me it’s polite to offer image descriptions.  
DAVE: tumblr can bite my ass  
ROSE: [Picture, if you will, the foot of a generic hotel bed, if that isn’t repetitive. Little can be seen beyond the slightly mussed coverlet, the pattern on which could be best described as neutral colored jellyfish playing an awkward but surely innocent game of leapfrog. On top of these unfortunate sea creatures two mismatched socks lie across one another, one a Seussian swirl of color, the other a tasteful balletic pink, flung together as if to say “Finns lose at hockey, knight of time, and the owners of these socks were in too much a hurry to get to furious, sweaty, passionate rumpus humping to fold them politely.” In the top left hand corner, human toes, still tightly curled with aftershocks, can be glimpsed.]


End file.
